Letter to My Husband the Engineer

To My Husband the Engineer:

It's now mid-January of a new year...14 years engaged this year, and 13 years married..."unlucky 13" they say...but they don't know of a Friday the 13th 14 years ago, when you asked, nervous, under dark sky, for forever, and I said yes, and stars sparkled and you slipped a brillliant on my left hand.

We were so happy, so young, and so excited to be starting on this new life, new adventure together. Sixteen months later, I walked down an aisle, dressed in white, nervous but excited...vows of forever, bands of gold, a kiss, and just like that, we were husband and wife. A short honeymoon on that Island of red dirt...and then you were back in classes to finish your degree and become My Engineer. A move to a new province...

We didn't know all the things that we'd encounter on our journey together. A new house, a new neighbourhood. A first job that only lasted two years...a layoff of eight months, that rocked our world and sent us reeling. Trusting God with wanting to start a family and praying for timing and a job. And oh, how perfect was His timing...just weeks after landing a great job, seeing those two faint lines confirm that we were going to be parents.
Disappointment that my grandmother wouldn't be able to know her great-grandchild, as she went home to Jesus in my first trimester. Both of us excitedly setting up a nest for our baby, preparing...and marvelling at my ever-changing body. We survived the Blackout of '03, and we ignored the no air-conditioning warning after we had power, to ease my swollen body into some comfort in August heat. A baby that was a week overdue...and came ahead of her scheduled induction...by c-section (did we even think this would be a possibility, in our desire to do things "right" and "naturally?"), all 10 lbs and 1/4 inch shy of two feet of her.
I had never seen you around babies that much...and I knew you didn't have very much experience with them. But with our DD, you took to it like you'd been doing it all your life. When you brought her back to me in recovery, she looked like she'd been in the crook of your arm forever. You were so tender with her, giving her her first bath, and diaper change in the hospital. And how great you were at taking care of me, with all the post-c-section stuff...doing things for me that I couldn't, helping me with things I needed help with that neither of us conceived (!) of before having her by section. How dependent I felt on you...and you know that I'm not a very dependent person.
A church upheaval after DD's arrival, that really rocked our universe. Having to leave a church, that we thought when we moved up here would be our "forever" church, where we'd raise our kids, and stay. Those months were horrible...truly gut-wrenching, and just when we would think it couldn't get crazier, it did. But it resolved, and we moved on...wounded, healed, and stronger...and smarter, for it. One of those things we'd never choose to go through, but having done it, wouldn't trade it in .
Two years later, our DS arrived...again another section, and you were amazing again at helping me, and doing baby-duty again. We were so much more prepared this time around, more relaxed, and knew what to expect. I was glad we had a son for you.
More job changes, a church change, and other things over the years...and now here we are, coming up on 13 years together. All these things we didn't know, couldn't have known, looking forward after we said "I do" to one another...but oh, what a story we'll have to share with our kids as they get older! It's our own Amazing Race...sometimes there are U turns, sometimes road blocks, sometimes detours...and sometimes we get to the end of a leg, and get that "you have to keep racing" message. There is no one I would rather race with in this life than you. I knew it coming up on 14 years ago, when I answered yes to your proposal...and I knew it when I promised you I do coming up on 13 years.
We're still racing babe! With all my respect,
Your wife the domestic engineer

The January Blahs

It's winter here in The Great White North. While we had a slow start to our snow-collecting months, it seems we're making up for it now. Today was an interesting mixed-bag of precipitation: ice pellets, freezing rain, and snow, in that order...with a very sharp northerly wind to blow said precipitation into your face. Always makes the walk to school pleasant when you feel like you're being pelted with beebees. I digress, eh?

I don't mind the seasonal changes. I like that I don't live where it's the same season all year long, basically. Even though the winter months are my least favourite, I like the change. One aspect of the change I don't relish, though, is the onslaught of Seasonal Affected Disorder. I hate it. I'm on a mild antidepressant to help. I just had it increased. Yeah. I can pretty much set my clock to when I need to up and then down my antidepressant. It stinks, but it helps me function. Functioning is good...especially when you're a wife and mother.

Let me be clear: I don't take medication to "make me happy." I don't take medication so I can feel "up" all the time. I don't get high off this. It doesn't make me go around spinning and skipping through life with nary a care in the world. I don't take this stuff so I don't have to feel negative emotions and deal with them. That is not it...

I take this so I can get through the day without feeling like I've been dragged through the cat-door backwards. I take this medication so I can get about my day, rather than retiring to my bedroom to sleep (depression tiredness is way different than physical tiredness...worlds apart)...so I can not feel overwhelmed with my house being a mess from having Christmas trees in various states of undecoratedness, and so I can manage myself better so I can in turn manage my kids better. My kids and husband deserve a mom who dresses, showers, and gets out of bed every day...and makes real food for them...and doesn't feel like she's standing on the edge of a cliff looking out into a dark void, about ready to tip over at a moment's notice...and who remembers the things she's supposed to remember in the run of a day.

I hate depression. It's like walking in a perpetual fog all the time...not being able to see clearly...or rather, seeing just enough to be dangerous. That commercial that says depression hurts? Yep, it does...physically. You have to will yourself through the day, and not give into the urge to hibernate and withdraw from everything and everyone. f

So, while I enjoy the changing seasons, it's usually about this time of year, January, where I wish it were April already...

7 Quick Takes Friday - Vol. X AKA How Do I Miss Thee? Let Me Count the Ways



On this date, 29 years ago, my dad was killed in a car accident. I was six at the time, my brother was two, and my Mom wasn't much older than I am now. I thought I would do my Quick Takes about my dad.

1. My dad set the bar high for me, in terms of what to look for in a husband. I may have only been six when he died, but one thing that is etched in my memory is the love and respect he had for my Mom..and how he would not tolerate disrespect or backtalk to Mom from either myself or my brother.

2. I missed my dad a lot in high school, especially in late Grade 11 and Grade 12. All my other friends had their dads there to take them out to learn how to drive, to the prom, etc. I didn't have that...and I missed it a lot.

3. I missed my dad next when I got engaged. Although my husband the engineer went and talked to my Mom before proposing, I wish my dad would have been there to talk to him, too. A part of me hurts that my husband the engineer never got to know my dad...they'd have been fast friends, I think, and double trouble with practical jokes.

4. I missed my dad when I graduated with my BA. I know he'd have been proud to see me graduate from university. He'd have been very interested, I think, based on the books on his bookshelves, in my BA in History and Classical Studies. It would have been interesting to discuss with him what I was studying.

5. And then, my wedding day. How does a daughter NOT miss her dad on her wedding day? No photos of Daddy walking me down the aisle, giving me away, driving me to the church, perhaps having a father/daughter dance at the reception.

6. The birth of our children,  DD and DS...bittersweet not to call and talk to Daddy after they were born. I feel a twinge of sadness that my children haven't gotten to grow up knowing their grandfather. He'd have been SUCH a fun and good grandpa to them. I think he'd have really relished having grandkids around, and taken great delight in them.

7. Just the everyday things. I sometimes miss that I can't call Dad to get his advice on this or that; to ask questions of parenting advice; just to call and talk to him about whatever happened that day; getting the kids to talk to him on the phone; my husband getting the chances to talk to him about everyday things, man to man.

For more Quick Takes, go on over to Jen's!

Last Week of Advent Daybook

Outside My Window

It's 5:10 p.m. and it's dark now. This time of year, it gets dark around 4:30 p.m. In some ways I don't mind...the SAD part of me minds, though. It's looking like we in the Ottawa area are going to have a green Christmas. Boo.

I Am Listening To

DD is watching Curious George, PVR'd from this morning.

I Am Wearing

Black leggings, tunic-length charcoal grey sweater. The closest I can get to pyjamas for now.

I Am Thankful For

Having all the Christmas shopping done, and some gifts wrapped and ready to distribute.

I Am Pondering

How to get caught up on housework AND get the rest of my Christmas baking done...I need Calvin & Hobbes' replicator.

I Am Reading

How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth, A Praying Life and Grace for the Good Girl. And the latest edition of Canada's History Magazine.

I Am Thinking

About maybe learning to knit? We'll see.

I Am Creating

Not so many crafts this week. But I did create a batch of Shortbread Cookies and a batch of Chocolate Crinkles. I hope to do another batch of Shortbread Cookies, a batch of my Grandmother's Raspberry Bars, and a batch of Cookie Treats...and maybe Holiday Fruitbread (banana bread with chopped nuts, maraschino cherries, and chocolate chips in it).

On My Ipod

Same old same old.

On the car CD player: Stuart McLean's Vinyl Cafe on CD.

Toward Rhythm & Beauty

Ah me, I've been sick with this never-ending cold. Last week I was sick for 2 days and thought that was it...it was enough to set me back with stuff though. It returned with a vengeance on the weekend, and made itself nicely at home in my sinuses. My headaches are going away, but now my voice sounds like a 65 year old chainsmoker and is on the verge of disappearing. Energy is a tad low. I'd rather be sleeping, honestly.

So, rhythm and beauty need a hand....someday soon, hopefully. :)

To Live the Liturgy

...yeah, about that...

I Am Hoping & Praying

For an online sister in Christ and her family...praying for healing and that her family would be strengthened and encouraged.

That this dang cold would go away and stay away.

For the salvation of my kids; for my husband's employer to prosper and be blessed.

In the Garden

All is quiet till spring.

Around the House

Some cleaning; some wrapping of gifts and stuffing of stockings; some more baking; a roast in the crockpot tonight; some more delicious meals later in the week; Christmas dinner at my in-law's on Sunday. Should be a full week!



Seven Quick Takes-Vol. IX

This week's Quick Takes are going to be focused mainly on my Christmas tree and some favourite decorations. Here's the tree:

1. This ornament is one of my favourites. I have 2 of them. I love monkeys, they have always been my favourite animal. I adore sock monkeys.

2. I love, love, love Willow Tree figurines. I have 11 of the figurines, and one plaque. One Christmas, my in-laws got this ornament for me as part of my Christmas gift. It's now one of my favourites.

3. This ornament is the only one I have that is from my grandmother. She made these for her grandkids one year for Christmas. My grandmother passed away in 2003, not having met either of my children. I was in my first trimester with DD when she passed away. We had just told everyone our news  before she passed away. This ornament reminds me of her.

4. This ornament is one that is representative of where my husband the engineer proposed to me, 14 years ago this coming March. The place is Officer's Square in downtown Fredericton. This ornament was made by Aitkens Pewter, pewtersmiths who are in Fredericton. I love their things!

5. This ornament is one that was made by a New Brunswick artist, Catherine Karnes Munn. She painted prints of various famous period houses and sites, mostly in New Brunswick, but also around the Maritime provinces. This one is of Green Gables, in Cavendish PEI, the home of fictional character, Anne of Green Gables (among my favourite fiction books, by Lucy Maud Montgomery). My husband the engineer and I honeymooned in PEI, and yes, we did go to Green Gables in Cavendish. I have absolutely no photographs of that part of our honeymoon. The film didn't advance through my camera (back in the dark ages), even though the counter kept counting...and thus I had no photos of Green Gables, L.M. Montgomery's birthplace, and a few other favourite spots in PEI.

6. This ornament, really isn't a Christmas ornament, per se. My Mom crocheted these hats for pew markers for our wedding. We were married in August of 1999. It was so humid that August. I don't know how the starch held for these, but they did. I gave some of the pew markers away to close friends and family, and kept 3 for myself, two of which hang on our Christmas tree. I love these. Our wedding colours were burgundy and white.

7. This final ornament is very special to me. My Grade One teacher gave us out little ornaments at Christmastime. This was always a special ornament to me because, not only did my Grade One teacher give me that, and she was one of my favourite teachers, but, my dad passed away the 23rd of December that same year. When I was little, I always felt close to my dad when I hung this on the tree, and it reminded me of him, and of my Grade One teacher.

Those are my Quick Takes. For more, go over to Jen's!



{PHFR} Christmas-Style

I haven't linked up for {PHFR} in quite awhile. Life got busy and things got in the way of me blogging regularly. So, now I'm back!

I love this time of year...I love decorating our home with Pretty things like this:

And this:

I also made these:

And these:

Not the candles and other items, but the Winter letters in the frames.

I also made this:

And this:

I got this lovely piece at a Christmas craft market:

The artisan from whom I purchased this,  makes rings, bracelets, watches, necklaces, earrings, wind chimes, hooks, and all kinds of things out of antique cutlery. I thought it was the neatest thing. This ring is made from an old spoon handle!



{Happy}, or, happily, I decided to swap out the shades on the light fixture over our table. They were white once upon a time, but now, they are a dingy off-white, and the seams on them have yellowed considerably. I didn't take a before picture to show you. However, I swapped the shades for this instead:

The berries are dark red and the stars are rusty. Here's what the whole she-bang looks like:

I am happy with how this tree decal turned out. However, if I had taken pictures of the piece in-progress, it would have been in the "Real" category. OMW, what a pain in the neck. Thankfully this tree was in one piece, but somehow, during the transfer process, the transfer sheet folded on itself, of course...and it was the sticky side...so I had to peel it carefully and hope that it didn't rip in the process. As if that wasn't enough, the sticky side did not want to adhere to the wall at all...hardly one section wanted to stick. It's fine now that it's up, but I was not a happy camper putting this blasted thing up.

This makes me happy...and the candles are my favourite scent: Chai Latte. Yum!!!!

{Funny}

I'm trying to experiment with self-pictures. 'Nuff said.

Moving right along, next is {Real}:

I made these Red Velvet cupcakes. I used the President's Choice Red Velvet baking mix, as it is natural and has no food dyes in it. They were really delicious. I made the icing swirls from buttercream icing (homemade). YUM!!!!
In reality, this is what my kitchen looked like:

Sadly, at the time, the Sens weren't doing so hot in their hockey game, so the score fit right in as well:

But then, this is real too, and it makes me happy, and it's pretty...and funny (I have 2 sock monkey ornaments on our tree):



For more {PHFR} hook up over here:







Why My Good Enough is Good Enough

I'm a perfectionist, by nature and at heart.  My default setting is to not do a thing unless I can do it perfectly. I can pick out every mistake in my piano-playing, crafting, recipes, scrapbooking, card-making, etc. This even spills over into my spiritual life...I see only the days that I didn't get my time with God, that I didn't pray, that I didn't pray for this or that person, or this or that issue. I see where I missed an opportunity to share, to encourage.
So, it's no surprise that I'm this way as a parent, as well. I have never, ever been able to say about myself that I'm a good Mom. It even took me till my children were both in school before I could say that I gave birth to them...because they were both C-section deliveries, I felt I couldn't say that I delivered them. I still catch myself referring to their births as "being taken out of me" or some other expression like that.
In my vocation as Mom, I can only see, most of the time all the things I did wrong, or didn't do, or omitted doing. My laundry list of things, most days, is pretty darned long. "I should have put that in their lunchbox...why did I forget that today was the day they needed X for school...I shouldn't have yelled at them...I should have disciplined for that...I shouldn't have disciplined for that...I should be reading more...I should be baking with them..I should be...I shouldn't be..."
All I can hear in my head, when I do do something right (oh, that rare event) is this voice saying "Yes, you did that, but you didn't do it this way, and you should have done that...and what about this over here? How dare you say you are a good parent?" It's like preparing a dinner or a recipe for someone, and instead of them just leaving it at "that was good" they have to point out that it was good, but it would taste better with this in it instead of that. Or, instead of thanking someone for a job well done, feeling the need to point out every little area that was not done right, not done "up to snuff" or something. Talk about taking the wind out of one's sails!
You know what is sad? I believe in the Doctrines of Grace. I do not believe you have to earn or work for God's grace, mercy, love or for our salvation. The whole point of the Gospel is that we cannot do it...the wonder is that God does it for us...beginning with the advent of His Son, and culminating in His death on the cross and resurrection. But yet...I struggle with who I am in Christ...I get stuck in seeing what is so wrong with myself now, that I struggle with how God can see me complete in His Son. That when He looks at me, I am forgiven, redeemed, restored, forgiven, transformed....and that all is grace.
I am forever holding myself to a standard I cannot ever hope to attain to, and that God Himself doesn't even hold me to. By doing this, I pay lip-service to believing that all is grace and God is grace and His mercy endures forever. My own name means grace, grace-filled, or graceful one! I am my own judge, jury and executioner...I bypass God, go directly to jail and do not collect $200. I make an idol out of the unattainable, set myself up for disappointment over and over, and is it any wonder I'm so short-fused with myself?
So for the past week, I've been not focusing on what I am not doing right, or what I am struggling/failing at (not to say that it doesn't matter at all), but instead have been choosing to zero in on what I am doing right and what I am having small victories in and what successes there are.
I am a good mom to my kids. I am not perfect, no one is. But I am a good mom, and I will NOT let the "fact" that I am not perfect keep me from thinking of myself as a good mom, or referring to myself as a good mom. I love my kids, I love to spend time with them, I think they are cool little people. Do I do all my baking with them? No. Sometimes I don't want them to, and sometimes they don't want to...sometimes, they want to watch and sometimes they want to chat with me while I do this or that. Do I lose my cool with them? Yes, and every mom does. But does that mean I'm not a good mom because I lose it once in awhile? No. Permit me to insert here, David was called "a man after God's own heart" and he wasn't perfect.
The reason my good enough is good enough, is because in God's eyes it IS good enough. He came for my good enough...and redeems it and shapes it and molds it and uses it for His glory and it's good enough. ALL is grace...even the messy, the imperfect, the not measured up to...all is grace because of His mercy and His wisdom taking those broken places and broken hearts and broken people and using them to display HIS glory, HIS mercy, HIS love, and HIS grace.
So I will shout it out loud: I AM a good mom...take that, Satan when you try and whisper in my ear that I shouldn't say that about myself...and try and make me a useless Christian by keeping me in bondage to your lies.
His grace is enough for my not good enough...and for my good enough.