The Importance of Knowing Who You Are

This year has seen me start a deeply personal journey. I will probably share some aspects of this, in this little corner of blogosphere. Suffice to say, it started off unexpectedly, and quite by accident. However, here I am, and since this is where I am, accepting and being fully present in where I am is the order of the day.

Part of this journey has brought me, in the past several days, to figure out exactly who I am. This seems rather silly, perhaps, but for me, I truly believe this is at the root of my journey and at the base of all that is figuring out who I am. To also be doing this at the age of 36...well, one would think that by this time, I would have a pretty firm grasp of just who I am; however, I feel and feel strongly, that I do not. 

Quite often, I feel as though I've done what others have expected of me...that I've been caught up in the expectations of others. I know that I have certainly fallen into the trap, consistently, over my life, of being too concerned about what others think of me, expect of me, and want of me. It's a rather stifling way to live, as I'm finding out just now...and tiring, especially emotionally. I think part of me has avoided sitting down and thinking through (writing out, even). The reason being, if I don't acknowledge it, even to myself, I don't have to change...I don't have to deal with the things about myself that aren't so hip and happening.
Right now, I'm feeling so purposeful and determined to wrap my mind around this, to get my hands on it, and truly know who I am...find out who I truly am under all of this stuff. Somehow, I've lost myself over the past few years...I've become buried under the fog, maze and miasma called depression. While I struggle with SADD, and probably always will, it's been more depression on top of that. I'm finally starting to see a light at the end of this, and am pursuing therapy for this and other things. I feel like I have hope, determination, and a purpose. I feel like I'm slowly rediscovering who I am, who God created me to be...all my quirks, idiosyncrasies...and all the good and cool things about me. In all of this, my aim is to further glorify God, and be the best "me" that I can be for my Audience of One, and also my family. I'm needing to get to that place where I am content with myself and know without a doubt who I am, what makes me tick, and what makes me tic (!).
One of my goals with this, is to work through some of this stuff, here in this little corner of the blog world that's mine. So, with that said, I leave this here for now, and will pop back on hopefully weekly, to hash out some things here on my couch, with a cup of coffee. Join me, yes?!

1st Week of Lent Daybook

Outside My Window

It is night...to quote a Christmas carol,  it's "deep and crisp and even."

I am Listening to

Hockey Night in Canada, specifically, the Senators vs. Leafs game. So far, the score is 2-0 for the Leafs. Boo.

I am Wearing

Jeans, and my "Bonjour" Life is Good T-shirt...because, life IS good! :)

I am Thankful for

Weekends...weekends that are slow, and filled with kids' laughter as they play together...swimming lessons...and afternoon naps for everyone. 

I am Pondering

"Take every thought captive." This verse, and how it applies to me and my life.

I am Reading

"Call the Midwife Shadows of the Workhouse" What a very interesting book, although very heart-wrenching. I have enjoyed the PBS series of the same name. It breaks my heart that so many girls and boys, men and women had to endure the dreaded workhouse...and am thankful that we no longer have that blight.

 

I am Thinking

About how to line up the week ahead...specifically of how I will organize the days at the beginning of the week when DH is away for work. 

 

I am Creating

I'm knitting a hat for myself...I've never knit a hat for anyone. I realized last week as I was walking my kids to school, that I need a hat-hat...not a sock-monkey hat (cool as that is), or a dressy type hat, but just a typical knit winter hat. So, I am knitting one. The brim is knit flat, and then transferred to circular needles and knit in the round (eeeeek), which I've never attempted before. What could possibly go wrong?!!!

 

Toward Rhythm & Beauty

I am gradually re-establishing my daily routine. So far, it's been going well. The only fly in the ointment is trying to find an appropriate time to take my iron supplement. I have to offset taking it an hour after other medications, so I can't take it with my other stuff at breakfast. It's not a tablet or capsule, it's a liquid suspension, so I can't stick it in a baggie in my purse to take whenever. So I've been more miss than hit, and my body is feeling it. I am going to figure this one out. I'm also changing my decor...I still have Valentine's decor up, and will switch it out for something more appropriate for Lent. 

 

To Live the Liturgy

I've been re-establishing my morning coffee with God...it's been so good! I'm "still" struck by how a good half-hour with Him in the morning makes the rest of the day go oh-so well...if not the events being "good" at least my interpretations and reactions are better than approaching things "all by myself." 

 

Hoping & Praying

Praying for the little boy in my city who was recently discovered having been abused by his parents...horrible, horrible case, this. Also, praying for this Lent and lead-up to Easter to be a blessing. Ann Voskamp's blog has been full of some wonderful ideas for me to implement for myself and as a family.

 

In the Garden

It is covered in snow. However, I am contemplating what to plant this spring/summer. Definitely tomatoes again...I will try my hand at cucumbers again...also some parsley and a few other herbs. I'm considering adding another 4x6 section onto my garden...putting that bug in DH's ear now! :)

 

Around the House

I am determined to rock my housework routine this week...and to start the planning of deep cleaning parts of the house. I didn't get to do that last year, but this year it. will. happen. Yes? Yes. 

 

Welcome, 2013!

A brand new year! I love looking at the calendar at the start of a new year...it's clean, fresh, unblemished...a whole 365 days of glorious dreaming, planning, scheming...and then...it takes about 5 minutes to start adding in the appointments, family schedules, etc. etc.

I didn't blog much last year...I don't know why...I just didn't feel it. I tried to keep up with the thankfulness and gratitude on Mondays, but even that fell by the wayside, despite my best efforts. This year, I have decided to keep up the gratitude, and see if I can get to 1,000 by the end of 2013. I sure hope so...I think it will be neat to look back over this year, and see all the things that have meant so much to me: little things, big things, insignificant things, things of great import and value.

Last year, I chose the word "Grace" for 2012. This year, I am choosing wholeness as my word for this year. Over 2012, God has been showing me, teaching me, and encouraging me to deal with things in my life...places that are hurt, broken, and tender...places that till now, had been ignored, hadn't surfaced, and hadn't been brought to light. This finally came to a head with me over the holidays, and I feel such a release dealing with the last bit of brokenness in me. Those places are precious to Him, and I'm convinced that if I let Him, He will use them for His glory. So, this year, I'm hoping, will be a year of wholeness...of self, family, marriage, spiritually...in all things.

I am hoping to continue my Monday thankfulness, and {Pretty, Happy, Funny, Real} Thursdays, as well as a weekly Daybook, which will probably happen on Wednesdays. The other days, I'll write about whatever strikes my fancy...

So, from DH, DD, DS, and myself: Happy New Year, and all the best for 2013. May you be blessed with wholeness this year!

October Daybook-Canadian Thanksgiving Ed.

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving, everyone! And, Happy Columbus Day to my American friends. I hope everyone's enjoying themselves, either by the shopping discounts or with family and friends, having wonderful turkey dinners and all the fixings.

Let's ignore my blogging hiatus jump into the Daybook shall we?

Outside My Window

Today is a 14 degrees Celsius kinda day...with the sun playing peek-a-boo in the clouds. It's a bit chilly, but the sun is warm. A perfect early October day.

I am Listening To

The sounds of DD and DS painting in the dining room...talking about mixing colours, and painting their creations. The muted hums of the washer and dryer, tending to the never-ending stream of laundry.

I am Wearing

Charcoal capri-length leggings and a dark brown long-sleeved jersey tunic...what I call "socially acceptable pyjamas."

I am Thankful For

Oh so very much. Eucharisteo has been on my heart this weekend, with it being Thanksgiving here. Eucharisteo for: my salvation, my husband, my children, our extended families, living in the best country in the world, our home, food, clothing, shelter, my husband's job, our car, our health, our church family, our friends, medications that enable me and DD to function in the world, c-sections that meant my husband wasn't left a widower and childless at a young age, healthcare, glasses for my husband and both my children...oh so very, very much for which to be grateful to Our Lord.

I am Pondering

Eucharisteo...the easy and the hard. Pondering the mystery of joy, grace, and thanksgiving all rolled into that one word...and how it needs to shape my life even more than it has already. Am I ready for this? Hmm...

I am Reading

The Virgin's Lover by Philippa Gregory. I have gotten hooked on Ms. Gregory's writing. Finally, a 21st century author who can actually write something well. I've read The Other Boleyn Girl, The Queen's Fool and The Red Queen. I've enjoyed all of those novels. Although they are historical fiction, they are well-written, and draw you into the sounds, smells, textures, pomp, poverty, and showiness of the Tudor and pre-Tudor courts. Having been to London one year ago, and seen just a smattering of the places where these things took place...oh, my imagination soars, and for those hours moments when I'm reading, I am there, and seeing it all happen. That is a true test of a good writer: can he/she take you RIGHT THERE, where you can see it all happening? Ahhh...bliss.

The Imam's Daughter by Hannah Shah. So far, I've read the first 2-3 chapters, and all I can say is...WOW. A serious, eye-opening insight into a whole other culture and religion, written by a brave woman who lives to tell of it...and serve as hope for others.

Catching up on: Canada's History magazine. My lovely Mom gets me a subscription to this, and has done so for almost all my married life, for my birthday. It used to be called The Beaver, but due to sordid implications, Internet search engines bringing up all manner of crudity when looking for it, they had to change the name. Boo, I say...but, I totally understand why they did it. They also publish Kayak, which is a graphic-novel style magazine of Canadian History for children ages 9 and up. I'm thinking of that for my children for Christmas, possibly.

I am Thinking

Of how quiet it will be here when DH is away for work for about 3 weeks, for work.

I am Creating

Not a whole heck of a lot. I need to do more of that. Next on the list: creating the magnets for my November magnet-calendar. I also need to knit a few dishcloths for a small gift for our next-door neighbours who will be moving next month (we will miss them a lot...our children play nicely together).

On my Ipod

Same ol'-same ol'. I need to overhaul what's on there though...and see if I can get a couple playlists going, one of which will be high-energy stuff for when I'm walking/running/working out (ahem).

Toward Rhythm & Beauty

Rhythm: Still establishing a routine that will work. A huge part of this is simply getting up before the kids do in the morning. Almost 85% of my battle is that. So, I will start there. After that, I will work on the other things...but I'm betting dollars to doughnuts that if I can get the wake-up routine happening again, the rest will follow.

Beauty: I got my autumn mantle-scape and pennant banner done for our fireplace. I really like how it looks. This weekend, DH and I put up a new light fixture in our bedroom. The old builder's basic ugly square glass thing didn't shed a lot of light, and besides, it was u-to-the-g-l-y. I really like the one we have, which is this one. I've also been organizing, arranging, and re-arranging and purging throughout the house...my ultimate goal being to deep-clean each room in our house, starting with the Powder Room. It hasn't been done in the 12 years we've been in our home, so it's kinda due. Right now, before I do that, I'm catching up on the housework that has been neglected of late.

To Live the Liturgy

Yes, well. What is there to say, except that I desperately need to overhaul this area, too? Part of the waking up ritual...

I am Hoping & Praying

That DH's work trip goes well and he comes back safely and without lost luggage, etc.

That I will survive DH's work trip, and that I and the children will be in one piece when he gets back.

That the children and I won't get sick while he is gone.

In the Garden

Well: the cucumbers were a bust. I think I got 3-4 cukes out of my 3 plants. The tomatoes however, have done well. I have put most of them up, diced and frozen, or in canned salsa. I have a few more on the vines for picking, and some green ones I hope to give to JD to use in her green tomato preserving. I'm already thinking ahead to next summer's garden and will add another 4x6 foot area to it. I hope to add some beans next year, try cukes again, and maybe 1 squash plant. I also want to plant dill and try my hand at garlic and onions...but we will see.

Around the House

Apart from the cleaning/purging/organizing/deep-cleaning...I need to re-do the pantry and freezer inventory lists, and get the pile of "stuff" from the purging off to a donation place...it's gotten large, so perhaps one of my friends with a minivan will get roped into helping me. We'll see...I may be able to manage it with an empty car, after the kids are in school, someday.

Perspective

Perspective can be a good thing. Hindsight can be helpful. Getting the big picture can enable us to see things we can't normally. There is a reason why, in art galleries, paintings are in large areas, with room to step back, see from afar, from another angle, and get perspective. Looking at Monet's Waterlilies (3 canvases long...HUGE canvases) through a pinhole camera wouldn't enable you to gain the full beauty of the painting, seen from 10 feet back from it.

Such is also true in life. We meander through this life, and often we only see what is in front of us...what is of the moment, of the "now." True, we don't (thankfully) drive looking solely in the rearview mirror. But, the rearview mirror is an important aspect of safe driving...as is stepping back, and trying to gain perspective on our life, the events of our life, thus far. Such moments come, usually few and far between...in my case, they tend to happen at night, when I'm restless and trying to fall asleep.

I was wondering, a few days ago, if I really was growing, personally, spiritually, all those "-ally" areas that are vital to us as a whole person. Sometimes, as I mentioned above, we can get so caught up in all that is going on now, that we don't see the whole path that brought us to where we are. Or at the least, we see them as small snippets, not as connected to one another.

I believe God allowed me a step back, to look back at how I've thought and where I've come from, to see that yes, I have been growing and changing...mostly for the good. Of course, in this broken world, as broken people in need of grace, there are always things that need tending to. However, I'm speaking specifically of areas of development and growth, and I'm glad He let me have a glimpse of the growth that I've had...how He's changed me, shaped me, and grown me to be more and more like Him.

I thought I knew what spiritual life, marriage, and family/child rearing would be like. God has turned all those "ideals" or thoughts I had of what things would be like, and spun them on their heads. In each instance, where I am is exactly where I need to be, but the way I got here was not what I thought it would be like. That is so God! We have our dreams, ideas, and plans (not that these are wrong), and He takes those, and shapes them and us into what He wants. And oh, the grace in it all. More and more, I see His grace in all of this, His grace in me, and His grace coming through me to others. That is truly amazing! It's humbling, too. But, it's so cool! To see His grace at work in my life, and then touching my kids' lives, and how it's shaping them, hopefully, to be more like Jesus, so they will send His grace...ah, THIS is what it's all about!

I feel like I'm coming more into myself...finding out who I am, being comfortable with who I am in Christ, and who He's made me to be, and how He's made me. Through this, I'm seeing how He's made my kids, who they are, and what neat little people they are and have the potential to be as they grow up. I feel a peace about me, and in myself, and I feel a peace about our family and our kids...it's really cool to see God working, really working, answering prayers and changing me and us.

This is what life is all about. ALL is grace!

August Daybook

Outside My Window

Yet another warm, hot, sunny day in the Valley. We had some much-needed rain last night; however, we need more for the farmers here in the Valley to not face wrack and ruin, at least for next season. This one's been a write-off for a lot.

I am Listening To

The Olympics, always on around here these days. The sound of Blue Jays outside in the sumacs.

I am Wearing

Still in my pjs and my hubby's bathrobe.

I am Thankful For

The rain that fell last night, lazy summer days, cheering on Team Canada at the London Olympics.

I am Pondering

Getting into a more settled routine, in these days and weeks leading up to the start of the school-year. Yes, I do believe changes are in the wind here.

I am Reading

The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton. I found this at Value Village. I'm about halfway through, and I must say, it's a wonderful read...I'm totally engrossed!

Families Where Grace is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen. I'm really enjoying this, so far. Especially in this, the year of Grace!

The Way I See It by Temple Grandin. I'm finding this a fascinating read, written by a woman who is autistic. Very interesting, to read her thoughts, her suggestions, her ideas. Truly an amazing woman.

I am Thinking

About what to do today...so much to choose from!

I am Creating

A knitted floor mat, using Bernat yarn. I really like the way it's coming together. I'm also thinking ahead to creating my magnets for September for my magnet calendar, and card possibilities.

On my Ipod

The same as always...no changes. Although, I am thinking of divvying up my music into playlists, with one playlist specifically for workout music.

Toward Rhythm and Beauty

Yes, some rhythm is needed in these here parts, to restore some beauty and routine to the days and hours...especially with the new school year starting in another month. Also thinking ahead to what I will do for my mantel decor come September, with back to school, fall, and all. Maybe making a find or two at a local flea market and antique store on the weekend? We'll see. Also thinking ahead to painting DS's bedroom.

To Live the Liturgy

This...THIS. Yep, with summer and laziness and all, I must admit that my daily spiritual time has fallen to the wayside, sadly. Um, yeah. So, this will also fall into the category of rhythm and beauty, methinks!

I am Hoping & Praying

Praying for rain, for our beleagured farmers. Praying for the salvation of my children. Praying that I would develop a more steady spritiual walk. Praying for grace upon grace.

In the Garden

Tomatoes are ripening. A few cucumbers, but I think my cucumber harvest will be sparse this summer. Parsley and spearmint are doing well too. Making some plans for next summer's garden, already! Always thinking ahead.

Around the House

Tidying up the kitchen, including a broken glass. Cleaning the fridge. Re-doing the pantry and freezer inventory lists and chucking stuff from the freezer that's been in there too long (say it isn't so!). Cleaning the bathrooms. Keeping up with the never-ending stream of laundy. You know...just regular around the house stuff!

Muchas Monday

Took a little big bloggy break. Many things contributed to the break...maybe some of them will wind up in a post in this here corner of the blogsophere, maybe not.

These days find me here in our home, with both of the kids out of school for the summer (cue "School's Out for the Summer" here), reading, watching the Olympics, reading, sweating, reading, playing with the kids, reading...

Ah, what the heck, here's my list...

1) My first three tomatoes, off of my first tomato plant in my very own first ever vegetable garden!!!!

2) The sound of kid playing Lego.

3) Watching the 2012 Olympics...and seeing the behind the scenes stories of the athletes.

4) Understanding grace...and oh, how truly amazing it is.

5) Fighting for the hard eucharisteo during "those" daily moments...each day...every day.

6) Reading.

7) DS reading a whole book, on his own...and loving it.

8) Bedtime stories.

9) Homemade butter...YUM!

10) Downton Abbey...need I say more?!! LOVE!!!

11) His arms around me when I wake up in the morning.

12) Enjoying doing library work again: in the church library!

13) The grace He gives in all, every day, in everything...ALL is grace...ALL!

Head on over to Ann Voskamp's for more gratitude on Mondays: