I'm a perfectionist, by nature and at heart. My default setting is to not do a thing unless I can do it perfectly. I can pick out every mistake in my piano-playing, crafting, recipes, scrapbooking, card-making, etc. This even spills over into my spiritual life...I see only the days that I didn't get my time with God, that I didn't pray, that I didn't pray for this or that person, or this or that issue. I see where I missed an opportunity to share, to encourage.
So, it's no surprise that I'm this way as a parent, as well. I have never, ever been able to say about myself that I'm a good Mom. It even took me till my children were both in school before I could say that I gave birth to them...because they were both C-section deliveries, I felt I couldn't say that I delivered them. I still catch myself referring to their births as "being taken out of me" or some other expression like that.
In my vocation as Mom, I can only see, most of the time all the things I did wrong, or didn't do, or omitted doing. My laundry list of things, most days, is pretty darned long. "I should have put that in their lunchbox...why did I forget that today was the day they needed X for school...I shouldn't have yelled at them...I should have disciplined for that...I shouldn't have disciplined for that...I should be reading more...I should be baking with them..I should be...I shouldn't be..."
All I can hear in my head, when I do do something right (oh, that rare event) is this voice saying "Yes, you did that, but you didn't do it this way, and you should have done that...and what about this over here? How dare you say you are a good parent?" It's like preparing a dinner or a recipe for someone, and instead of them just leaving it at "that was good" they have to point out that it was good, but it would taste better with this in it instead of that. Or, instead of thanking someone for a job well done, feeling the need to point out every little area that was not done right, not done "up to snuff" or something. Talk about taking the wind out of one's sails!
You know what is sad? I believe in the Doctrines of Grace. I do not believe you have to earn or work for God's grace, mercy, love or for our salvation. The whole point of the Gospel is that we cannot do it...the wonder is that God does it for us...beginning with the advent of His Son, and culminating in His death on the cross and resurrection. But yet...I struggle with who I am in Christ...I get stuck in seeing what is so wrong with myself now, that I struggle with how God can see me complete in His Son. That when He looks at me, I am forgiven, redeemed, restored, forgiven, transformed....and that all is grace.
I am forever holding myself to a standard I cannot ever hope to attain to, and that God Himself doesn't even hold me to. By doing this, I pay lip-service to believing that all is grace and God is grace and His mercy endures forever. My own name means grace, grace-filled, or graceful one! I am my own judge, jury and executioner...I bypass God, go directly to jail and do not collect $200. I make an idol out of the unattainable, set myself up for disappointment over and over, and is it any wonder I'm so short-fused with myself?
So for the past week, I've been not focusing on what I am not doing right, or what I am struggling/failing at (not to say that it doesn't matter at all), but instead have been choosing to zero in on what I am doing right and what I am having small victories in and what successes there are.
I am a good mom to my kids. I am not perfect, no one is. But I am a good mom, and I will NOT let the "fact" that I am not perfect keep me from thinking of myself as a good mom, or referring to myself as a good mom. I love my kids, I love to spend time with them, I think they are cool little people. Do I do all my baking with them? No. Sometimes I don't want them to, and sometimes they don't want to...sometimes, they want to watch and sometimes they want to chat with me while I do this or that. Do I lose my cool with them? Yes, and every mom does. But does that mean I'm not a good mom because I lose it once in awhile? No. Permit me to insert here, David was called "a man after God's own heart" and he wasn't perfect.
The reason my good enough is good enough, is because in God's eyes it IS good enough. He came for my good enough...and redeems it and shapes it and molds it and uses it for His glory and it's good enough. ALL is grace...even the messy, the imperfect, the not measured up to...all is grace because of His mercy and His wisdom taking those broken places and broken hearts and broken people and using them to display HIS glory, HIS mercy, HIS love, and HIS grace.
So I will shout it out loud: I AM a good mom...take that, Satan when you try and whisper in my ear that I shouldn't say that about myself...and try and make me a useless Christian by keeping me in bondage to your lies.
His grace is enough for my not good enough...and for my good enough.
So, it's no surprise that I'm this way as a parent, as well. I have never, ever been able to say about myself that I'm a good Mom. It even took me till my children were both in school before I could say that I gave birth to them...because they were both C-section deliveries, I felt I couldn't say that I delivered them. I still catch myself referring to their births as "being taken out of me" or some other expression like that.
In my vocation as Mom, I can only see, most of the time all the things I did wrong, or didn't do, or omitted doing. My laundry list of things, most days, is pretty darned long. "I should have put that in their lunchbox...why did I forget that today was the day they needed X for school...I shouldn't have yelled at them...I should have disciplined for that...I shouldn't have disciplined for that...I should be reading more...I should be baking with them..I should be...I shouldn't be..."
All I can hear in my head, when I do do something right (oh, that rare event) is this voice saying "Yes, you did that, but you didn't do it this way, and you should have done that...and what about this over here? How dare you say you are a good parent?" It's like preparing a dinner or a recipe for someone, and instead of them just leaving it at "that was good" they have to point out that it was good, but it would taste better with this in it instead of that. Or, instead of thanking someone for a job well done, feeling the need to point out every little area that was not done right, not done "up to snuff" or something. Talk about taking the wind out of one's sails!
You know what is sad? I believe in the Doctrines of Grace. I do not believe you have to earn or work for God's grace, mercy, love or for our salvation. The whole point of the Gospel is that we cannot do it...the wonder is that God does it for us...beginning with the advent of His Son, and culminating in His death on the cross and resurrection. But yet...I struggle with who I am in Christ...I get stuck in seeing what is so wrong with myself now, that I struggle with how God can see me complete in His Son. That when He looks at me, I am forgiven, redeemed, restored, forgiven, transformed....and that all is grace.
I am forever holding myself to a standard I cannot ever hope to attain to, and that God Himself doesn't even hold me to. By doing this, I pay lip-service to believing that all is grace and God is grace and His mercy endures forever. My own name means grace, grace-filled, or graceful one! I am my own judge, jury and executioner...I bypass God, go directly to jail and do not collect $200. I make an idol out of the unattainable, set myself up for disappointment over and over, and is it any wonder I'm so short-fused with myself?
So for the past week, I've been not focusing on what I am not doing right, or what I am struggling/failing at (not to say that it doesn't matter at all), but instead have been choosing to zero in on what I am doing right and what I am having small victories in and what successes there are.
I am a good mom to my kids. I am not perfect, no one is. But I am a good mom, and I will NOT let the "fact" that I am not perfect keep me from thinking of myself as a good mom, or referring to myself as a good mom. I love my kids, I love to spend time with them, I think they are cool little people. Do I do all my baking with them? No. Sometimes I don't want them to, and sometimes they don't want to...sometimes, they want to watch and sometimes they want to chat with me while I do this or that. Do I lose my cool with them? Yes, and every mom does. But does that mean I'm not a good mom because I lose it once in awhile? No. Permit me to insert here, David was called "a man after God's own heart" and he wasn't perfect.
The reason my good enough is good enough, is because in God's eyes it IS good enough. He came for my good enough...and redeems it and shapes it and molds it and uses it for His glory and it's good enough. ALL is grace...even the messy, the imperfect, the not measured up to...all is grace because of His mercy and His wisdom taking those broken places and broken hearts and broken people and using them to display HIS glory, HIS mercy, HIS love, and HIS grace.
So I will shout it out loud: I AM a good mom...take that, Satan when you try and whisper in my ear that I shouldn't say that about myself...and try and make me a useless Christian by keeping me in bondage to your lies.
His grace is enough for my not good enough...and for my good enough.
1 comments:
what a powerful post!
I am the worst kind of perfectionist- if it isn't perfect, I don't do it (ouch)...this has got to change.
--something to remember- a job worth doing is worth doing badly- because at least it is done
Post a Comment